DM 2007 Pt II - DM goes to the country

So for the second time the greatest darts tournament no one's heard of headed out of its comfort zone inside the M25 to darkest Hampshire. After his victory in Pt I CC had organised the 2nd installment in his manor - Petersfield. The venue of choice, the Red Lion, famed through out the south for its £1.95 pints of Fosters.

The Thrill and Hardcore, despite travelling by public transport from different parts of the country managed to bump into each other on the walk from the station to CC's pad. We were greeted by the man himself after a brief conversation with the Outdoor updating on the progress of himself and the Craziness who were driving from one traffic jam to another with ear bleeding volumes of G'n'R blasting out of the Crazys mean machine/Rover. So we sat around watching Sky Sports News, Home & Away and a terrible Boy zone video waiting for the Staines massive to turn up. After what seemed like an eternity the Rockin Rover pulled up in York Close and the crazy one and a his luggage handler, aka the Outdoor rolled up to the door. Brief greeting were exchanged before the march to the venue was embarked upon by the 5 combabtants, albeit a little late.

The venue seemed suited for the mammoth contest with the dartboard around the corner from the main bar area and all the TV's, games machines and hords of other patrons - well all 5 of them. The only issue was the lack of real ale for Hardcore who's dreams of a lovely warm pint of Old Mans Tadger after a 4 hour train journey were destroyed by the reality that he'd have to drink pints of Aussie amber piss water for the duration.

We got straight into the contest with no further a do trying to make up for our late start. 2 rounds of 501 beckoned with trophy holder & host CC taking on the outdoor to get things underway with the outdoor prevailing with the left handers dream - double 9 to finish. The Hardcore and Craziness were next up and it was in the early stages of this game that we witnessed one of the finest darts in DM history. The Hardcore showed the merit of a proper warm-up as by skipping one for himself his early darts could best politely be described as loose. The picture below highlights the location of Dave's dart which in fairness was in the general direction of the dartboard just a tad low! Hardcore claimed it slipped but we think that his unfamiliarity to the fizzy piss he was drinking may have temporarily addled his brain! This game proved to be a double 1 epic with the craziness prevailing after several doubles attempts and at least a couple of Kiwi etiquette no-no apres busting frustration darts.

The Craziness takes advantage of Hardcore bending down to pick up his legendary loose dart

The 1 st round continued with some ok darts and not overly spectacular finishing with the Outdoor and thrill leading the pack and the outdoors 48 the best check out but not enough to qualify for the pot which was set at a 50 point minimum. The hardcore was bringing up the rear but seemed to have overcome his early loose darts much to the relief of everyone in the vicinity who thought at any point a stray dart might be headed their way.At this point I should apologise for the lack of detail especially for the second round but the England vs Wales rugby match was on in the main bar and I kept popping off to watch us give the taffs a right pasting. The Outdoor kept up with his consistent form while I ended the first round and started the second with losses and fear that I would lose pace on the race. CC suffered most during the second round as having amassed 2 wins in the first and with hope of still making it to the final he slumped to a second round whitewash which also saw the hardcore pick up his only victory of the day with a nicely taken double 8. I had got back to winning ways against the Outdoor to claw back some of his lead and held off the challenge the craziness to end the second round to join Outdoor on 6 victories and a place in the final. The highest checkout at this point was a stylish 100 taken out by the Craziness against CC and it looked safe for the money as no other checkouts had been hit above 50 - a poor show from the rest of us.

The Hardcore dreams of an electronic scoreboard

The final took on the standard best of 3, 501 format with a nearest the bull to gain home advantage. I sneaked a dart inside the outdoors arrow and into the 25 to gain the advantage and so the contest could begin. My darts were solid but not spectacular but a few solid 60s and the odd triple gave me the advantage. The outdoor seemed a bit out of sorts which may have been due to weakness brought on by starvation. should be noted that since we had walked in the pub Outdoor had been craving the steak dinner on the menu but for various reasons had yet to consume one and had only been getting by on the odd pack of Nobby's nuts. Obviously I don't do charity and took the first game with some clinical finishing inspired by the craziness's sambuca fuelled pep talk in 2006 about how crap i was at hitting a double. The second game followed the same pattern and another double was hit by me without any sign of the double 1 on the horizon! The trophy was coming back to thrill town!!!

After this the competitors embarked on a crawl of the Petersfield hostelries - highlights include outdoor finally getting his steak dinner, some kind of wolf sitting on the pub roof eyeing us hungrily with its demon eyes (not a booze fuelled hallucination), Hardcores joy at going to a pub with real ale, black sambuca, some idiot ruining deal or no deal on the quiz machine and cheesy chips and kebab. all in all a fine event, well organised and the trophy going back to its proper place.

The Champion give the paparazzi the respect they deserve

Outdoor and Thrill take on the might of Deal or No Deal, Hardcore is eaten by a Triffid!

I've got a lot to live up to for the next event be it in sunny Chiswick or far off Exeter..........


Bow down and worship at the sacred DM alter of


The Thrill

DM2007 Pt I – Blink and you missed it

In a marked contrast to the slick organisation of DM2006 Pt IV, the arrangements of DM2007 Pt I were quite frankly, a shambles. There was endless e-mail debate about dates and other gay excuses about being in New Zealand. As a consequence the event was not held until mid-summer. The venue was the Misty Moon in Twickenham. Formally the Wetherspoons pub that The Thrill and CC discovered on the way back from DM2006 Pt IV. We must have been pissed to think that this place had potential, but the board looked in reasonable condition and the beer was cheap. Only five participants were expected, one of which was The Thrill’s mate Martin who was drafted in at the last minute (to make up the numbers?!)

Arriving at the venue early, after sheltering from an unseasonably heavy shower (a taste of things to come) and dodging the tumbleweeds at the bar, I found the bar staff playing darts on the board! My order of a pint of Guinness enabled me to claim the board and await the arrival of the other competitors.

The Thrill and Martin were the first to arrive. All was not as it seemed though, as The Thrill informed us that The Judge had pulled out 20 minutes before the 2 pm start. Claiming some gay excuse about needing to get a Fathers Day present. What was wrong with getting it on the day like any normal person? After Sure Shot’s arrival The Judge had been christened The Gay Judge. A nickname that I fear is here to stay. That meant there would be only 4 competitors.

The format was old-school, two rounds of 501, followed by a best-of-three final. The late withdraw of The Gay Judge meant that there were only 12 games before the final. The highest out shot contest was staged again, this time anything over 40 would be good enough to claim the prize.

First up was CC v The Thrill, in a warm up of what was surely to be the Final. CC secured an unremarkable win. The next 5 games of the first half of the draw were very ordinary, with the highest out during the first 6 games a pathetic 22. The only highlight was Martin’s defeat of Sure Shot, and showing a mastery of the 19s. So much so that even CC had trouble with some of the scoring

Sure Shot was not drinking as much as usual, some gay excuse about cycling to Brighton the following day. However this held him in good stead as he hit a bull finish in his first game of the second half. Albeit after some heckling from CC and The Thrill as he debated whether to go for it or not. The second half was hotting up a little with The Thrill eclipsing Sure Shot’s bullseye with a comfortably taken 60.

It was all over rather quickly though with CC remaining undefeated by notching up 6 wins, followed by The Thrill with 3. Both Sure Shot and Martin claimed 1 victory, which meant that by default and his last minute withdraw, The Gay Judge is the proud owner of The Shit. Which I hope is on its way up from Exeter.

The lateness of this report and the poor quality of the scorecard (handwritten on a piece of A4) means that I can’t recall throw-by-throw how the final went. From memory I think it was a pretty close affair, CC taking the first leg with a 51 checkout. The second was won by The Thrill after CC had a number of chances at a double (already planning that trip to Petersfield?). So it was down to a decider, which was clinically finished by CC with a 79 finish, which also claimed the £20 prize money, which was then promptly fed into the “Deal or No Deal” quiz machine.


The quality of the contest is admirably summed up by the quality of the only photo marking the occasion. A very poor shot with a camera phone. Oh for the days of those slickly organised events down the pav on a Wednesday night!

For those that have not seen the trophy, a close up is shown below.

Although I do have to fess-up that it got broken on the way home! Its come away from the hand-finished plywood base (The Thrill obviously had nothing better to do after the decant than expend time and resources on this fine effort). But not to fear, its nothing that a bit of silicon rubber wont put right!

Well you know what’s coming now, DM 2007 Pt II will be a trip down south to Petersfield, so better dust off your passports. Those that came to last one will recall (just) a very drunken affair, fuelled by Black Vodka and kerbside kebabs! Just watch out for bricks and any other objects that may come in through the windows. At least we wont be subjected to The HotNess’s grey pants this time!

CC

DM2006 Pt IV - Bang and its Gone!

Well as 2006 draws to a close so does this years Dartmaster competition. The final contest was excellently organised by Part III's winner - The Outdoor, with amazingly little hassle about dates. All participants duely made there way to the familiar territory of The Old Red Lion in Staines for the epic contest. The participants were

The Outdoor
The Thrill
CC
The Craziness
Sureshot
The Judge - for those not in attendance this is Martin 'The Judge' Dury whose new nickname was christened during the event

The format of choice for the days events was the old-school 2 round 501, home & away. The £5 in highest out contest was included but with an added twist from the outdoor that any out counted all the way down to 2.

Sureshot and the Judge started proceedings with Sureshot victorious and also starting the ball rolling with a 2 checkout that for a brief period was worth £30. The first half saw myself and Sureshot heading leading the pack while the Judge was staking his claim to the turd trophy. A couple of ok checkouts meant that the bar had risen from 2 to I think 66 but I don't have the results sheet to confirm this - think CC got itI i apologise for my poor statistical knowledge.

CC phone home

The second half saw more of the same at the start with the Judge striving to make sure he had a squidgy shit taking pride of place on his mantelpiece and Sureshot still claiming he hadn't touched a dart since the last DM of 2005. His protestations started to ring true as he was taken out of the running as the surging trio of the Craziness, Outdoor and CC notched up some victories. In fact it was CC vs Sureshot that saw the highlight of the knockout stage when CC checked out with a whopping 142 which unsurprisingly claimed the checkout pot. I myself suffered the bitter taste of defeat when a deserving Craziness punished my sloppy efforts at doubles and ruined a promising start which had seen me chuck in two 140's. Despite this loss I had made it into the final and my opposition had come down to a 3 horse race between Outdoorcrazinesses and CC. The final game of the second half saw CC 's bid for glory fail as Outdoor and Craziness drew level in front of him and a playoff was needed tseparatete them.

The 142 - a cut above the rest

A single game of 501 was the format chosen to decide the finalist and It was the Craziness who came out on top, the outdoors bid to retain the trophy had ended.

So it was over 5 hours since the start of the tournament we came to the final. It seemed only right that repeatat of the final that had started this years Dartmaster should end it. I was feeling quietly confident after the knockout stage but knew that I had to do better than the double 1 checkouts that had seen me win a fair few of my previous games. My opponent though had hit a rich vein of form thanks in no small part to his switch from the wife beater to the apple juice, giving him his legendary stomach snakebite!

The Snakebite takes effect

The first game saw myself take the advantage through some decent scoring and thankfullsome decentnt doubling. There was some controversy as the Judge and Sureshodecideded during the game that they needed to make a break for home and were deserting the finale. Now despite claims of travelling a long way home and they'd already been their 6 hours this gained little respect from the rest of us. none more so who blames the whole thing for his loss in the first game and had a Barryesque strop to go with it.

Quitter!!!!!!!!

With the quitters now gone both players could concentrate on game 2. this proved a completely different game as both of us matched scores and kept close until the doubles. In the end after both players had missed chances I slipped in a double 10 to claim Game 2 and the trophy!! hugs were exchanged in a totally non-gay and manly way and the victory photos taken. To top it off I had claimed 2 victories for the year and the trophy is mine forever!!!

The winner and his scowl of victory

The night didn't quite end there as CC genrously bought us all a pint and a sambuca chaser. Unfortunately for CC and me, after the outdoor left and we were all finishing our drinks the sambuca was mixing with The craziness's stomach snakebite to cause an angry reaction. the result of which was a five minute craziness tirade on how shit we all were at darts especially me and that any pub dart player would beat us all. in fairness, very true statements but the crazinees turned into the scariness for a brief period of time. Next time he's not allowed the sambuca!!!!!

The calm before the storm.............

Anyway thanks to all participants and the outdoor for organising. Next years tournanment should kick off around the end of Jan start of Feb. CC and I have already scoped out a possible twickenham venue. preliminary date options will be emialed next week. The 2007 trophy promises to be tacky as ever and I already have some ideas for its construction!

Till then Dm'ers

Bow down at my mightiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Thrill

Dart Master 2006 PtIII

Dear Dart Master Wannabe's,

Apologies for the lack of contact but holidays and general laziness have hindered me writing this. There was also some technical diffuculties getting on to the blog site due to a forgotten username!

Now the Hotness may have run away to the other side of the world but the Dart Master competition is bigger than any one player. As your current DM I would like to invite you to part III of the 2006 Tourney provisionally scheduled for 2nd September. I'm currently thinking of the NPL Sports Club Pavillion as the venue although can't confirm this until we confirm the date. Back up venues will be the Masons or Popes Grotto.

Now as our numbers have diminished slightly I feel its a good time to introduce some new blood to the DM cult. So please feel free to nominate any potential players for participation. I think some kind of initiation for them should also be included, no doubt alcohol based, suggestions welcome. Although preferable they have some darts skills so that I might have some challenge its not totally necessary as I'm sure the Hardcore would love to hand the shit trophy on to someone new (Note this trophy has been found, much to their disgust, by the new occupier of Sure Shot's desk (sorry Mike you have no desk at work anymore!!). Think we should stick to a maximum of 8 in order to keep the competition.

So please comment on sutability of this date, venue, new players or any moans and gripes you might have. The latter are especially welcome as I can then remind you that I am the current DM and am above your petty winging, the DM is a dictatorship not a democracy. Please restrict comments to the blog rather than emailing me direct so our brethren across the seas can enjoy the lunacy.

The Thrill
Current DM Overlord

The HotNess really needs to find a job,....

During the recent spell of unusually warm weather, it appears that the refractive index of the Earth's atmosphere has changed sufficiently that from the top of my favorite lighthouse and using another one of my phallic instruments (a telescope on this occasion) I was recently able to make out some smoke signals from the oceanic continent in the haze, which I have managed to interpret as follows,....

An excerpt from The Oamaru Mail - Monday 17th July 2006

Barely two weeks since his arrival back in Oamaru, local boytravelerr done good Elton Crane has returned to make a name for himself on the local darts circuit. Many Oamaruvians will fondly recall his rangy, athletic figure carving up the Waitaki Recreation Centre during his brief yet fiercely intense days as a basketball star. Many critics of the outspoken sportsman questioned his choice to quit the game and focus on his love for alcohol and lying on the sofa at his Mum and Dad's house.

Several years have passed and Crane was rumoured to have slipped into a hinterland of inactivity, wasting away watching reruns of Shortland Street and writing jingles for Australian AM radio adverts. Crane laughs at this suggestion, flicking the tousled fringe of dark brown hair from his eyes, saying "I did a few gigs in Sydney with some friends from AC7 DC, but that's all I want to say about my days in music. Except to mention the b-side I co-wrote with Midnight Oil. It's all in my past now."

Why Oamaru? Why now? Why darts? How did this tiny bumpoke of a town deserve to be blessed by the return of their most beloved, yet obviously troubled son? Crane offers a trademark smirk reminiscent of the golden era of cinema when brooding men truly held a presence in our lives. "I've travelled and lived in some amazing countries throughout my turbulent life and the day comes when it is time to return to your roots and give back what was once given to you. First off, that meant returning two hundred bucks to my Mum, but beyond that I've come home to show other keen dart players what someone of enormous talent and dedication is capable of."

Merely five days back in the country, Crane was verbally requested to join the North Otago Darts Team for a trip to Dunedin competing against Otago. Witnesses say he accepted the offer with charming aplomb, nodding nonchalantly between warm-up throws. One week later and the official selection committee sat around the table finalising names for the trip down South. Tony Crane, Elton's older brother was heard saying he felt "Elton would probably be best suited in the B squad for his first outing. See how he goes." This suggestion was rapidly quashed by the remainder of the committee who insisted Elton join the A squad immediately and share his knowledge.

This in itself was miraculous. Never before had an unknown entity swept into town and joined the top-flight (no pun intended) team without first proving their own worth. The following Saturday Crane Junior showed that as a cocksure young buck, he had the necessary mustard to mix it up with the big boys in the A Team. Though Tony Crane was not present due to party commitments, Elton and partner Kerrin Robinson WON the Pete and Shelley Memorial Trophy, netting $45 each and the promise of a miniature trophy once the engraving is complete. The pair were ecstatic, especially Crane who saw the victory as the culmination of many years of top-level pub darting in the U.K. In winning the trophy, Crane and Robinson had to beat the A Team captain and partner, plus a New Zealand Darts Council representative and his drunk wife. They are both in the South Island team but Mrs Henry's game seemed hampered by her consumption of at least five hot mince pies. "You fat bastard. You fat bastard" was the silent chant of those assembled.

What next for this trophy accumulating man of many talents?
Watch this space.

What next for our errant correspondent?

Will he find a job so he has less time on his hands for contemplating his own greatness?

Will he finally drag the southern hemisphere into the 19th century and start communicating by morse?

Or could he achieve the almost impossible and join the information age so that he can post his own mindless ramblings on the blog instead of getting me to do it every time?

To find out watch this space,..... or if you can't multitask, just watch the space eluded to in the missive above.

Hardcore out.

News from the other side,...

The following has been recieved from the Hotness via long range carrier pigeon washed up in a bottle on the South West coast:



Okay, I’ve been here for one week now so you’re all screaming out for details of my darting down under. After a fairly horrendous dose of jetlag, I checked out the Puma board that Mum and Dad set up in the shed up the back of their place, alongside a TV and Aiwa stereo. Of course there’s the obligatory fan heater to save my arse from freezing. So I’m a happy lad.

Warm-up went well and I was feeling confident for my first contest against Tony. I wandered round wearing gloves, scarf and mega winter jacket and met my arch nemesis in his garage. Long story made short (never easy for the King of elaboration) I actually won a few games, not made simple with Tony’s frequent comebacks and putdowns. Highlight of my night was starting one game with a 180. Tony promptly plucked an Australian 180 badge from a cluster of similar badges and handed it over to me. I tried to play it cool, but I think we all know how serious the underpant creaming was. At this stage Tony was determined to ruin my buzz and beat me in the game that I’d hit a maximum. But No! I followed it up with two 100’s and ended with 15 darts. Needless to say, those undies have been thrown out.

Last night was my first foray into the world of North Otago Darts. Warming up wearing thermals and a jersey was odd to begin with, but I’m a Hardy Southern Man and not easily fazed so I kept throwing till the frost had thawed on my fingertips.

I’m not one to big-note myself as you all know. The respect I have deservedly earned through my years of impeccable darting and gallant etiquette is still thoroughly intact and I’m proud of the restraint I always manage to show. However, during warm-up I hit a180. This guy is incredible I hear you all think. Well, that may be true. It may well be true.

Of course it is true and the top woman came over and invited me along with the North Otago Representative Team on a tour (piss up) to play against the Otago Team. I think I’m in the ‘B’ Side at this stage, but it won’t be long before I rise up and stand alongside Tony ‘thanks for coming’ Crane in the ‘A’ Squad.

The actual darts structure at the North Otago Darts Association (N.O.D.A) is really good. There are 8 teams of 4 and they all play in one room on lots of boards. Total Darts. No pool tables, fruit machines, cigarettes, nasty geezers or Barry’s. A few no hope nutbars but that’s typical of the Dart World. We play 2 doubles games and 4 singles games, both of which are best of three games. This is a lot of dart action and inevitably a lot of chalk action. It’s an excellent way to sizzle into lots of games and get the counting up to scratch. We start at 7:00 and finish around 10:00. Sweet as bro.

I was only beaten by one guy and that was after I hit a 140, followed by a 117 to leave me 32. Unfortunately I missed and he didn’t. The other factor involved is the handicap system. The guy that beat me started his games on 451, even though he’s in the Rep side. I started on 501 because I’m the new boy and they have to assess my skillz.
I will update you on my North Otago vs Otago Debut at the end of this month.

Some photos from DM2006ptII

Whilst waiting for The Hotness' next literary classic, I thought I'd post a few more dodgy photos that I took during the day.

This was taken in the Mason's and is proof that we do actually play darts on these occassions and its not just an excuse for a piss up. Although having said that we all got quite pissed, and here's the proof!

Yes, another picture of The Craziness (I think Sharon is getting a bit worried...). This was taken in the Cabbage Patch (I think) and you might just be able to make out the little girl that was running around the pub, while her chav Mum and Dad looked on not giving a fuck. The Hotness was not impressed...

I couldn't let this oppourtunity go by without mentioning that this was also the day (April 29) that Pompey beat Wigan 2-1 to stay in the Premier League. Well done lads, Play up Pompey!

CC